Ah, yes... Fairy Tale, Indeed!

UPDATE ON OCTOBER 25, 2008

I have finally seen the end!

My Fairy Tale was beautiful while it lasted. I'll never forget it. Did I waste almost 11 years? Goodness no! I've had wonderful times and great men in my life. I wonder sometimes if somehow I passed one by because I always hoped for my Fairy Tale ending. But the Fairy Tale was what carried me through some of the most difficult parts of my life. Now it is over. It's kind of funny that I have no hate, no regrets, no malice, just a satisfaction of letting go and moving on. A freedom that I didn't expect to feel. Beautiful feelings kept in part of my heart. Letting go of the source of lies and smooth talking, but keeping the results from my desire to believe in him, my trust that was unworthy of him, my love that he never deserved. Not feeling betrayed, but saying... it was for a reason, a season.. and now it has withered and died. And I walk out of my Fairy Tale into a beautiful reality of hope and unknown wishes that will come true, maybe even in the arms of a man who will give me his heart.

You were right, you know. You aren't good enough for me. You don't deserve me. But thanks for playing. GAME OVER.

Fairy Tales Can Come True

Jimmy Durante - Young at Heart

Fairy tales can come true –
It can happen to you
If you’re young at heart.
For it’s hard, you will find,
To be narrow of mind
If you’re young at heart.
You can go to extremes
With impossible schemes;
You can laugh when your dreams
Fall apart at the seams;
And life becomes exciting with each passing day,
And love is either in your heart… or on its way.
Don’t you know that it’s worth
Every treasure on earth
To be young at heart?
For, as rich as you are,
It’s much better by far
To be young at heart.

And, if you should survive
To a hundred and five,
Look at all you’ll derive
Just by being alive!
Now, here is the best part:
You have a head start
If you are amongst the very young…
At heart.

I have a fairy tale to tell. It hasn’t ended yet, which may be why it is a fairy tale. If I knew the ending maybe it would lose that ethereal quality and be just another story about lost love. But for now… I have wings.

Have you ever experienced love? I don’t mean the wonderful unexplainable kind that you feel the first time you hold your new born child, I don’t mean the kind you have for that most special friend in the world or even the kind you might experience when you meet someone and believe that will be the person you will spend the rest of your life with. Those are all really extraordinary and you know that nothing else will ever be like those loves. But I am talking about loving someone so much that years later you are still in love, in fact more in love than when you met, because that person completes you and makes your heart sing. You have found a true soul mate, your other half, the one person without which you would cease to be who you are. I’m talking about the kind of love that fairy tales are written about. It’s the kind of love you feel your heart will burst from if you love any more. Or die from if you lose it.

This kind of love grows on its own. You don’t have to understand it. You don’t have to work at it. You sit back and look at it and all of a sudden “POOF” it has happened. And you both know it. You know that the person of your affections has become your breath of life.

I have loved someone for many years, but somehow it just never worked out for us. It has been such a tumultuous relationship that there were times we both believed we would never see the other person again. We went through a full year of not speaking. We have a history of friendship, of being lovers, of anger, of fear, of awe, and of falling in love. These things were repetitious, not just a onetime deal. We have run the gamut. I’m sure his friends and family feel the same as mine do, they like me alright, but why are you still around after more than 10 years of this? My fault? His fault? Does it matter? In the end all that will matter is if we make it to the end!

Good Things

All in all, it's not so bad here. There are some really awesome people. Many have stopped to offer me a ride at night. Sometimes I say thank you but walk anyway, other times I gratefully accept. I know they will never see my blog, but I want to say that I thank them all profusely for the kindness offered to a stranger.

I work with a really great guy, too. We get along well. We have different political views, but we can tease each other and not get angry, we discuss things and debate, and in general appreciate each others views.

I've met some good people out here, and my "daughter" is working near me as well, so when I get to see her it's always a treat.

Communication with friends and family in the states seems to have blossomed some. I keep in touch with several people and it's always such a pleasure. Some are by email, some on chat, and some periodically by phone. If any of you read this, you know who you are and that I love you very much.

I have spent my time off here watching some interesting movies, reading some good books, and sleeping. I've done some writing as well. Just wish I knew if what I wrote was good enough to publish. If anyone can tell me how to figure that out, I'd love to hear from you.

Well, it appears as though my "Good" list isn't as long as my "Bad" list. If I was making notes about pros and cons of a guy, I'd have to give him up!! Well, I know there are other good things... I'm able to help my son and his wife get a good solid start, I'm able to get some things taken care of so I can relax a bit when I can finally go home... and I know I'm loved. That is the best part. That pretty much says it all. So, I can end this post on a happy note!