A New Day

O Muse!
Sing in me, and through me tell the story
Of that man skilled in all the ways of contending...
A wanderer, harried for years on end...

A wise man once told me to let go of the past. That when I talk to my friends or loved ones the past can only be a wall that cannot be scaled. How simple it sounds. Even the Bible says to forgive and forget. I've thought I could forgive, but the forgetting part is a lot tougher. But then, have I truly forgiven? I feel pain inside. Anger. Hurt. Something that is festering and when I try to ignore it, it just opens the wound and it gets infected with more pain and anger and hurt.

O Muse!
Sing in me, and through me tell the story
Of that man skilled in all the ways of contending...
A wanderer, harried for years on end...

What right do I have to be the victim? Maybe in reality I have made that "wanderer" the victim. Maybe I'm the bad guy. Maybe I'm the perpetrator. I am guilty. I have expected so much from so many, that I have become like my father in many ways. He expected perfection from his family and we always disappointed him. Am I doing that to those closest to me? Everyone else who knew my father loved him. He didn't expect anything from them. We were his Achilles heel. We made him imperfect. He could never understand us or just love us for who we were, because we were him.

O Muse!
Sing in me, and through me tell the story
Of that man skilled in all the ways of contending...
A wanderer, harried for years on end...

I laughed today. I let go of the heaviness and let myself appreciate all I have. Maybe someday, the ones I love will understand. Maybe someday I will just let myself forget it all. Maybe someday my love will be pure. But today, I am just a human being stuck in this body with this mind telling me that it's OK to be imperfect. It's OK if some don't understand. It's just all OK.

Is anyone reading this thing?

I'm going to pout for a while here. I think I have a right. Here I am in Iraq, I've come back to basically none of my past friends. There are some here, but they have lives of their own. The people I have felt close to and love, are not here with me. Iraq has lost it's luster. Maybe it's just loneliness and homesickness talking right now, but I have always felt that this was where I needed to be, and now, I wish that I was home. But even home isn't very much like home. So much in my life has changed. So much in everyone's life has changed. I wonder where I belong. I wonder IF I belong. Am I writing this just for my own self indulgence? Does anyone care? Only one person has ever posted a comment to me. Do you realize how supportive that is? But if no one is reading... I can either say anything I want to say... and not give a damn about what anyone thinks, or I can just stop writing and wasting my time. So if you read, please post a comment, if nothing else but to say hello, you are following me... if I get no responses, I'll determine my next step. Maybe deleting the whole thing would be my best bet. That's a thing to consider. Then again, maybe tomorrow everything will be rosy, and it won't matter that I am lonely today.

From the Movie "Heart and Souls" to all I love

The years they come and go

Change will come I know,

You won’t be there

My Heart and Soul.

A Different time and place

Time cannot erase.

The smile that’s on your face, as you gaze in mine

You will always shine and you

Will always be

An angel making sure I care, a memory that’s always there.

Your dreams won’t die they live inside of me,

You will always be

My Heart and Soul.

The years roll on and on,

I looked and you were gone.

I miss you so,

My Heart and Soul

The years can make you wise

Now I finally realize, that if I just close my eyes

I can see you there, and the love we share.

And you, will always be

A dream so real that cannot die,

A trust in faith that lets me fly,

A love so strong that it just belongs to me.

You will always be

My Heart and Soul

An angel making sure I care,

A memory that’s always there,

You’ll always be

My Heart and Soul

So Much Joy!

I have a new grandson. Mom and baby doing well, papa bursting with pride, aunt there for support, all worn to a frazzle from not sleeping. Baby born June 17th. 8 pounds, 20 inches long. Wish I could have been there! I miss you and love you all so much. My heart is bursting!

As they say, if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans!

"The best laid plans of mice and men, often go astray". So I'm saying, nothing really went the way it was supposed to go.

People I wanted to see I didn't see, people I hadn't expected to see I saw. Some things that I wanted to happen didn't happen, but other good things did.

I was going to see Amsterdam on my way home, but chickened out. I am not good at doing things alone. I like sharing my experiences with someone else. So I spent my time sleeping in the airport.

Things were a lot different this time. I wasn't a burden to my family, I chose to spend a lot of time at home, but I also spent time with friends and went out when I wanted to. I had an extended birthday celebration... my kids got me some awesome gifts, cute things... a little perfume bottle, and a.. ummm... "horse". I loved them both. The perfume bottle is delicate and very beautiful, and the horse is clunky and ridiculously funny. Both of them are very "ME".

Then a few days later,
a friend of ours had just had a birthday as well, so we had a combined birthday dinner. My son told me I could have anything I wanted and he would make it for me. I only thought for a few minutes and decided on lobster tails, and corn on the cob. He made them for me, too! He found a marinade in a cookbook for the tails, and he grilled everything outside, we had a luscious dinner followed by a birthday cake and then the last NHL game of the Stanley Cup Finals. What a birthday celebration! Of course it was all about a week early because I was going to leave before my birthday, but I never had anyone do something like that for me before. Not since I was a kid. It was so great. I felt very loved.

I guess fate decided who I would and wouldn't see this time around, because it sure wasn't my choice to miss the ones I missed. I'm thrilled to have spent time with the ones I did see. We had a great time. It's funny how you just pick up where you left off and it seems like you never left.

I went home to be there for the new baby. I left with no new baby in sight. But my daughter got to the house the day before I left and will be able to help with things for the next month. I'm so happy that we were able to overlap that way.

The way things look right now, I may not see the baby before he is walking and maybe even talking! But I'll get pictures!

All in all, life was really good. It went way too fast, but, isn't that the way it always goes? So tonight I go back to work. And everything goes back to "normal". That's life, though. Never expect things to go the way you plan them. Just roll with it and enjoy the ride. All I have left to say is that I'm homesick. Yes, already. So... FLY, time!!!!