A New Day

O Muse!
Sing in me, and through me tell the story
Of that man skilled in all the ways of contending...
A wanderer, harried for years on end...

A wise man once told me to let go of the past. That when I talk to my friends or loved ones the past can only be a wall that cannot be scaled. How simple it sounds. Even the Bible says to forgive and forget. I've thought I could forgive, but the forgetting part is a lot tougher. But then, have I truly forgiven? I feel pain inside. Anger. Hurt. Something that is festering and when I try to ignore it, it just opens the wound and it gets infected with more pain and anger and hurt.

O Muse!
Sing in me, and through me tell the story
Of that man skilled in all the ways of contending...
A wanderer, harried for years on end...

What right do I have to be the victim? Maybe in reality I have made that "wanderer" the victim. Maybe I'm the bad guy. Maybe I'm the perpetrator. I am guilty. I have expected so much from so many, that I have become like my father in many ways. He expected perfection from his family and we always disappointed him. Am I doing that to those closest to me? Everyone else who knew my father loved him. He didn't expect anything from them. We were his Achilles heel. We made him imperfect. He could never understand us or just love us for who we were, because we were him.

O Muse!
Sing in me, and through me tell the story
Of that man skilled in all the ways of contending...
A wanderer, harried for years on end...

I laughed today. I let go of the heaviness and let myself appreciate all I have. Maybe someday, the ones I love will understand. Maybe someday I will just let myself forget it all. Maybe someday my love will be pure. But today, I am just a human being stuck in this body with this mind telling me that it's OK to be imperfect. It's OK if some don't understand. It's just all OK.

Is anyone reading this thing?

I'm going to pout for a while here. I think I have a right. Here I am in Iraq, I've come back to basically none of my past friends. There are some here, but they have lives of their own. The people I have felt close to and love, are not here with me. Iraq has lost it's luster. Maybe it's just loneliness and homesickness talking right now, but I have always felt that this was where I needed to be, and now, I wish that I was home. But even home isn't very much like home. So much in my life has changed. So much in everyone's life has changed. I wonder where I belong. I wonder IF I belong. Am I writing this just for my own self indulgence? Does anyone care? Only one person has ever posted a comment to me. Do you realize how supportive that is? But if no one is reading... I can either say anything I want to say... and not give a damn about what anyone thinks, or I can just stop writing and wasting my time. So if you read, please post a comment, if nothing else but to say hello, you are following me... if I get no responses, I'll determine my next step. Maybe deleting the whole thing would be my best bet. That's a thing to consider. Then again, maybe tomorrow everything will be rosy, and it won't matter that I am lonely today.

From the Movie "Heart and Souls" to all I love

The years they come and go

Change will come I know,

You won’t be there

My Heart and Soul.

A Different time and place

Time cannot erase.

The smile that’s on your face, as you gaze in mine

You will always shine and you

Will always be

An angel making sure I care, a memory that’s always there.

Your dreams won’t die they live inside of me,

You will always be

My Heart and Soul.

The years roll on and on,

I looked and you were gone.

I miss you so,

My Heart and Soul

The years can make you wise

Now I finally realize, that if I just close my eyes

I can see you there, and the love we share.

And you, will always be

A dream so real that cannot die,

A trust in faith that lets me fly,

A love so strong that it just belongs to me.

You will always be

My Heart and Soul

An angel making sure I care,

A memory that’s always there,

You’ll always be

My Heart and Soul

So Much Joy!

I have a new grandson. Mom and baby doing well, papa bursting with pride, aunt there for support, all worn to a frazzle from not sleeping. Baby born June 17th. 8 pounds, 20 inches long. Wish I could have been there! I miss you and love you all so much. My heart is bursting!

As they say, if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans!

"The best laid plans of mice and men, often go astray". So I'm saying, nothing really went the way it was supposed to go.

People I wanted to see I didn't see, people I hadn't expected to see I saw. Some things that I wanted to happen didn't happen, but other good things did.

I was going to see Amsterdam on my way home, but chickened out. I am not good at doing things alone. I like sharing my experiences with someone else. So I spent my time sleeping in the airport.

Things were a lot different this time. I wasn't a burden to my family, I chose to spend a lot of time at home, but I also spent time with friends and went out when I wanted to. I had an extended birthday celebration... my kids got me some awesome gifts, cute things... a little perfume bottle, and a.. ummm... "horse". I loved them both. The perfume bottle is delicate and very beautiful, and the horse is clunky and ridiculously funny. Both of them are very "ME".

Then a few days later,
a friend of ours had just had a birthday as well, so we had a combined birthday dinner. My son told me I could have anything I wanted and he would make it for me. I only thought for a few minutes and decided on lobster tails, and corn on the cob. He made them for me, too! He found a marinade in a cookbook for the tails, and he grilled everything outside, we had a luscious dinner followed by a birthday cake and then the last NHL game of the Stanley Cup Finals. What a birthday celebration! Of course it was all about a week early because I was going to leave before my birthday, but I never had anyone do something like that for me before. Not since I was a kid. It was so great. I felt very loved.

I guess fate decided who I would and wouldn't see this time around, because it sure wasn't my choice to miss the ones I missed. I'm thrilled to have spent time with the ones I did see. We had a great time. It's funny how you just pick up where you left off and it seems like you never left.

I went home to be there for the new baby. I left with no new baby in sight. But my daughter got to the house the day before I left and will be able to help with things for the next month. I'm so happy that we were able to overlap that way.

The way things look right now, I may not see the baby before he is walking and maybe even talking! But I'll get pictures!

All in all, life was really good. It went way too fast, but, isn't that the way it always goes? So tonight I go back to work. And everything goes back to "normal". That's life, though. Never expect things to go the way you plan them. Just roll with it and enjoy the ride. All I have left to say is that I'm homesick. Yes, already. So... FLY, time!!!!

Off to Amsterdam, then to the States

I’m in the Kuwait International Airport right now waiting for my flight to Amsterdam. I’ll have a nine hour layover there and plan to take one of the tours they offer from the airport. One of my co-workers told me that they check your flight itinerary and based on that they tell you where you can go that will get you back to the airport in time for your flight. They might take you to the canals or to a museum or to see a windmill. I’m a scaredy-cat, so I’m nervous about leaving the airport. But I really want to be able to say I’ve “visited” my homeland. Well, Amsterdam isn’t my homeland, but I’m from the Netherlands, so at least it’s home soil.

This whole thing sort of came up unexpectedly. I wasn’t planning to go home for a few more months. By then I’d get to see my grand babies, and spend time with the new one, and see my friends. But I had to get maternal on my Daughter-in-Law and since she was early with her other deliveries I decided to go home to be sure that someone would be there if the baby wanted to be early. I’ll only be there until June 7^th, by that time my daughter will be in town and she can take over the vigil. If the baby hasn’t been born yet, I won’t ever see him until he has already started walking and maybe even talking because it will be 10 more months before I can go back home again. But at least I know that between my daughter and I, someone will be there if they have to rush out in the middle of the night, and the boys will be able to stay home with someone they know will take care of them. My son said he wanted me there just in case, and when I talked to my daughter-in-law, she said she thinks she will be a couple weeks yet, but will be happy to have me home. Well… Cool. I’ll go home.

Well, after landing in Amsterdam, I found out that the tours were not open until 8AM, and they needed at least 4 people to make a tour. So, chicken that I am, I just shopped in the airport. And ate. And drank. :)

If I have a need to get away again, I’ll go somewhere I’ve wanted to visit, like Egypt or Thailand or Bahrain. I’ve got some good information on visiting Egypt, so I think that will be where I’ll go next. It’s about time I actually did some travelling. After being in Iraq as long as I have, I have never visited anywhere other than home and Canada. Time for me to diversify! I’ll have to go alone I guess, so I need to start getting that mindset that I’m perfectly capable of traveling in third world countries by myself. Well… Maybe I can find someone who will go with me.

It’s almost time to board, so I’ll end this for now and finish it after I get home.

Toki Sio!!

Malo e lelei! Hello! I’m home and happy as a pig in… mud. I came home with a different attitude… I understand that you can believe that is true and think you are different and when it comes down to it nothing changed. (The Proverbial BUT!!) But, I have been doing some very deep soul searching, and I am starting to see how I react to things and what makes me tick.

On my flight home there was a baby who had the biggest set of lungs I’d ever heard, there was wailing, screaming, non-stop noise. My instinctive reaction was, “Oh great, just my luck to have that screaming brat on my plane, the 9 hour trip is going to be my undoing!” Then, I started to realize that the baby was not trying to be my undoing, it was hungry, tired, scared or sick. I started to feel compassion for the infant. I have to be honest, that was the last I noticed of it. The parents were able to calm it down, it went on a different flight or it just plain didn’t bother me anymore. The same with the three babies on my 2 hour flight home.

Someone cut me off in traffic today, I spewed contempt at them, and then I stopped myself and realized I had done things like that before and that I had no right to judge that person based on one moment in time. I silently apologized and moved on.

Did I “see the light”? Did I “get religion?” I’ve been trying to absorb a book my lead let me borrow. Here is an excerpt, taken out of context, it may not shed any light, but it meant something to me:

“A body in uniform motion will remain in uniform motion until it is acted upon by force.” What does “uniform motion” mean in terms of a human Life, and what is the “force” that alters that motion?...

It goes on to describe a very bitter man named Gregory; a “white, middle-class, college educated man from the Northeast. His childhood was emotionally difficult, and he grew up angry, manipulative, and bitter. He was incapable of forming relationships, and his violent temper and argumentative nature kept people at a distance. This further increased Gregory’s disdain for Life and for other people, but he did not stop to ask what role he played in his experiences…

When, at last, his temper and disagreeable disposition caused the woman that he was living with to leave, Gregory fell into a deep anguish not only because of his loss, but also because he recognized in this latest event the repetition of a long-standing pattern in which he found himself, in each instance, suffering from rejection. He determined to confront both his pain and his pattern…”

By committing to that, he changed his life. The “force” that altered “the uniform motion” of his life, was to enter into his life consciously, if he had not done so, he would have continued on that same course.

Now this might not mean anything to many, or it might mean everything to a few, it meant something to me. I know that I am in a “uniform motion” heading for… I don’t know what future… but by “force” I plan to intervene, and I will assist in where I eventually end up. I “will” myself to be more compassionate, to not react negatively to things around me, to find the love inside myself and the forgiveness and the ability to ask for forgiveness as well. I’m sure I will have a rough journey, but I ran into it, like a wall. I don’t pretend to think I will all of a sudden be a wonderful person, but I will eventually be tolerable and have the ability to be loved and to love.

If you are interested, the book is called “The Seat of the Soul”, by Gary Zuvak.

“Every cause that has not yet produced its effect is an event that has not yet come to completion. It is an imbalance of energy that is in the process of becoming balanced.”

Let’s Enjoy a Day Off

Well, we start out pretty much the same way with getting ready to go to work. But usually I lie around in bed for a while longer and sleep in a bit, or read or get on my computer and check email, news, and messenger. Maybe I’ll watch a movie.

Come the heat of the day I’m restless and want to go out. Don’t ask. I know it’s really not very bright to be heading out at the noon hour when the sun is hottest and here in Iraq… that’s saying something.

So it’s 109 degrees. But not very much humidity!! J I head over to the bus station. I’m going to go to the Bazaar. In need a phone card and an electrical cord for these Asian plugs. So I get on a bus and off we go. Of course we have to show our badge as we enter the Bazaar, and I look around at the array of unique and strange things for sale. Some are even made in Iraq. I go buy my phone card and find the outlet I wanted.

If you want to mosey around a little bit, you’ll notice many of the items are just the same kind of things you would find in a bazaar or yard sale anywhere in the States. There are all kinds of cleaning supplies, electronics, tools, and then there are some clothes, some are just typical pants and shirts, some are name brand sportswear, some are handmade outfits from the Middle East, they measure you and sew them (they usually just have to be fitted, not freshly made) right there while you wait. There are hand crafted carpets, the really awesome kind that you find hanging on walls rather than being walked on. There is a resident artist who will take in a picture you bring in of someone and paint it on canvas or velvet in different sizes. Some of these pictures don’t turn out to look like the people in the photos, even when they do them over four or five times, but some of them are incredible likenesses. They also have a lot of premade Middle East looking paintings and they aren’t terribly expensive. All through the building there are people selling glassware, gold-plated items and silver that came from some palaces or were made in the likeness of something that was owned by the rich. They also sell relics of Sadam era utensils and coins and paper money. Then, as you are ready to walk out… in case you didn’t notice as you walked in… there is the “India” display, an entire corner of brass or bronze (or whatever it is) elephants, incense burners and hookahs and all manner of junk that you can get in any little place that sells Indian items. OK... time to get out of here and go to the “Big PX”.

Now, since you aren’t allowed to take a bag into the PX, I took my purchase out of the bag, stuffed the bag in my pocket and with receipt in hand they allowed me to walk into the PX toting my merchandise.

I have this thing about having to buy at least one DVD when I go to the PX. OK, usually it’s more than one, but I get there so seldom that I allow myself at least one. I got a bunch of cleaning supplies, a towel and some hair care products. They also sell frozen meat (a lot of people buy this for their Saturday or Sunday Bar-B-Q’s) and lots of refrigerated foods and drinks along with tons of junk food and a wide variety of packaged foods that don’t need to be refrigerated. They have rack upon rack of military wear, stuff you can’t buy if you don’t have a military ID, mostly shorts, T-Shirts, gym clothes, running clothes, jackets and sweats. Then there is the knife section… one of my favorite, mixed in with flashlights and all kinds of military gadgets. There are the towels and sheets and blankets section, and the magazine and book section, all close to the computer and camera and electronics sections. There’s more, but it’s too long and boring to list. Suffice it to say, pretty much, if you need it here, they have it.

So after waiting in line and paying for my items I get out and after passing all the patches and jewelry and coin kiosks, I decide I’m hungry. A walk around the perimeter takes you past Taco Bell, Cinnabon/Seattles Best Coffee, Popeye’s Chicken, Burger King and places to sit to eat the stuff you buy if you don’t want to take it with you. After that I pretty much have to leave. Most places don’t like you going inside with packages. But all that is left on the other side is the beauty shop, an electronics store, a jewelry store/gift shop, a car and motorcycle store… don’t ask… never been inside or asked anyone else about them, and I believe an ATT calling area.

So, back on the bus. Back to Victory. Back to my trailer where I unpack and store everything I bought and then off to Green beans for my treat and then back to the trailer, pack up for a shower, go get fresh, then come back to drink my coffee, spend a few hours on line, do some reading or movie watching and then get some sleep. After all… it’s been a long day and I have to work tomorrow.

See, this is my hard life on a military base in the middle of the Iraqi desert. If it weren’t for the heat, the lack of family and the incoming, this would be a great place to be.