Crazy In Iraq Returns

Short and Sweet

2008-11-28T11:34:00.000-08:00

This is the end of Crazy In Iraq. If you are interested in seeing what is going on in my life now, you can find out by going to my blog and changing the "CrazyInIraq to "afutureofdreamscomingtrue"

I can't believe they blocked the actual site, but you should be able to get there by using the correct format!

Thank you all for following my life in Iraq. Someday I'm gonna write a book! LOL!!!

See you in my new life.

IT'S MY TURN!!

2008-11-23T02:53:00.000-08:00

I have seen a miracle. We have elected a man to be our next president based on his promise of HOPE. A man of COLOR!!! Unheard of in the not so distant past, yet the majority of America believes in this man, because he believes in us! We have gotten past ethnicity and voted for the reality of becoming a great nation once again. I am so proud to be an American today! For maybe the first time in my kids lives they are proud, too! I've always been bothered that they didn't have much pride in America, that they have never seen what real patriotism was, that they have grown up in a very disturbing time in our country and wanted nothing to do with it. But for the first time they are proud to be here, proud that we are standing up and taking charge to bring about change! "What a great place, America".

But meanwhile... Let's look at Bahrain!

This picture is a small part of the area where I live, by night it is enchanting. By day, you see so much construction, and so much dirt, but they are building all the time. It is a very quaint little island.

So, I have moved from Iraq to Bahrain. I'm slowly settling in and making it my home. It's funny, it doesn't have the same flavor as when you say "I'm in Iraq!" Telling people "I'm in Bahrain" just doesn't carry the same weight. In fact I think there are many who have never heard of this little island off the coast of Saudi Arabia. But this little island is where I will have a new life with new opportunities in a career that will take me places.

I have left some things behind me, and have grasped hold of the gold ring that was dangled in front of me. Life has taken a turn for the good. I am no longer "CRAZY IN IRAQ". I am now Sane In Bahrain!!! I will be starting a new blog, and it will be all new! The past has been left behind me and I have moved on. Just like President Elect Barack Obama! Change and Hope are my themes! I have a life to live and it will be very fulfilling. It's truly MY turn! So please come visit me at my new blog site, I will be posting it soon, and will let you know when it is up and running. Watch for it!!!

I want to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving. We are celebrating here with our small group. It should be pretty nice, I miss everyone, but it is for the best that this is where I am. I'm Thankful for my family, my friends, my new job, my new life and my new President! Much love and peace to all.

The Good Just Keeps on Coming!

2008-11-03T10:59:00.000-08:00

Wow! So much happens when you let go. I am finally free of the chains of loving someone whom I was always trying to make excuses for and trying to believe in. He made a huge blunder and it was the very last straw. I let him go. He no longer tugs at my heart. There are times I think about him, but it is with incredulity that I never realized before how much I was missing by not letting go of hope that he would prove everyone wrong. In fact, the funny thing is, he proved himself right! He told me he wasn't good enough for me and that I deserved better! Why I didn't listen to him before I'll never understand. I'm not one who gives up easily. But I did. And it has had a domino effect!!

A Navy man I met in 2005 worked in the Palace with me, a truly wonderful man who became a good friend. We have kept in touch and he is back in Iraq this week, so I'm going to get to see him and hopefully have time for coffee and a little catch up talk. He is so cool. I'm so glad our paths will cross again.

I got a new job!! I'll be leaving Iraq November 13th, and I'll be in Bahrain on the 15th to start my new job there on the 17th. I'll live in a nice apartment with maid service, high speed internet and satellite TV, to name a few things. We will be a group of 8 people, and one of them I used to work with here in Iraq, in fact he is the reason I got the job. I'm so excited! And one of the best things is that the manager here in Iraq is wishing me well and assuring me that I am welcome to return to ITT anytime, that everything is good between us, I am leaving on good terms.

I'm starting a new life in every possible way you can start a new life! Everything is brand new. Everything is the way it should be.

I'm very anxious to hear the results of the election tomorrow. Who will be our next president? This is an exciting time. Maybe I should wait to say that after the results are in. So Wednesday I'll update my blog with my feelings about the new president.

Until then....

Ah, yes... Fairy Tale, Indeed!

2008-10-25T02:30:00.000-07:00

UPDATE ON OCTOBER 25, 2008

I have finally seen the end!

My Fairy Tale was beautiful while it lasted. I'll never forget it. Did I waste almost 11 years? Goodness no! I've had wonderful times and great men in my life. I wonder sometimes if somehow I passed one by because I always hoped for my Fairy Tale ending. But the Fairy Tale was what carried me through some of the most difficult parts of my life. Now it is over. It's kind of funny that I have no hate, no regrets, no malice, just a satisfaction of letting go and moving on. A freedom that I didn't expect to feel. Beautiful feelings kept in part of my heart. Letting go of the source of lies and smooth talking, but keeping the results from my desire to believe in him, my trust that was unworthy of him, my love that he never deserved. Not feeling betrayed, but saying... it was for a reason, a season.. and now it has withered and died. And I walk out of my Fairy Tale into a beautiful reality of hope and unknown wishes that will come true, maybe even in the arms of a man who will give me his heart.

You were right, you know. You aren't good enough for me. You don't deserve me. But thanks for playing. GAME OVER.

Fairy Tales Can Come True

2008-10-07T10:42:00.000-07:00

Jimmy Durante - Young at Heart

Fairy tales can come true –
It can happen to you
If you’re young at heart.
For it’s hard, you will find,
To be narrow of mind
If you’re young at heart.
You can go to extremes
With impossible schemes;
You can laugh when your dreams
Fall apart at the seams;
And life becomes exciting with each passing day,
And love is either in your heart… or on its way.
Don’t you know that it’s worth
Every treasure on earth
To be young at heart?
For, as rich as you are,
It’s much better by far
To be young at heart.

And, if you should survive
To a hundred and five,
Look at all you’ll derive
Just by being alive!
Now, here is the best part:
You have a head start
If you are amongst the very young…
At heart.

I have a fairy tale to tell. It hasn’t ended yet, which may be why it is a fairy tale. If I knew the ending maybe it would lose that ethereal quality and be just another story about lost love. But for now… I have wings.

Have you ever experienced love? I don’t mean the wonderful unexplainable kind that you feel the first time you hold your new born child, I don’t mean the kind you have for that most special friend in the world or even the kind you might experience when you meet someone and believe that will be the person you will spend the rest of your life with. Those are all really extraordinary and you know that nothing else will ever be like those loves. But I am talking about loving someone so much that years later you are still in love, in fact more in love than when you met, because that person completes you and makes your heart sing. You have found a true soul mate, your other half, the one person without which you would cease to be who you are. I’m talking about the kind of love that fairy tales are written about. It’s the kind of love you feel your heart will burst from if you love any more. Or die from if you lose it.

This kind of love grows on its own. You don’t have to understand it. You don’t have to work at it. You sit back and look at it and all of a sudden “POOF” it has happened. And you both know it. You know that the person of your affections has become your breath of life.

I have loved someone for many years, but somehow it just never worked out for us. It has been such a tumultuous relationship that there were times we both believed we would never see the other person again. We went through a full year of not speaking. We have a history of friendship, of being lovers, of anger, of fear, of awe, and of falling in love. These things were repetitious, not just a onetime deal. We have run the gamut. I’m sure his friends and family feel the same as mine do, they like me alright, but why are you still around after more than 10 years of this? My fault? His fault? Does it matter? In the end all that will matter is if we make it to the end!

Good Things

2008-10-03T12:05:00.000-07:00

All in all, it's not so bad here. There are some really awesome people. Many have stopped to offer me a ride at night. Sometimes I say thank you but walk anyway, other times I gratefully accept. I know they will never see my blog, but I want to say that I thank them all profusely for the kindness offered to a stranger.

I work with a really great guy, too. We get along well. We have different political views, but we can tease each other and not get angry, we discuss things and debate, and in general appreciate each others views.

I've met some good people out here, and my "daughter" is working near me as well, so when I get to see her it's always a treat.

Communication with friends and family in the states seems to have blossomed some. I keep in touch with several people and it's always such a pleasure. Some are by email, some on chat, and some periodically by phone. If any of you read this, you know who you are and that I love you very much.

I have spent my time off here watching some interesting movies, reading some good books, and sleeping. I've done some writing as well. Just wish I knew if what I wrote was good enough to publish. If anyone can tell me how to figure that out, I'd love to hear from you.

Well, it appears as though my "Good" list isn't as long as my "Bad" list. If I was making notes about pros and cons of a guy, I'd have to give him up!! Well, I know there are other good things... I'm able to help my son and his wife get a good solid start, I'm able to get some things taken care of so I can relax a bit when I can finally go home... and I know I'm loved. That is the best part. That pretty much says it all. So, I can end this post on a happy note!

A New Day

2008-09-10T02:15:00.000-07:00

WOW! Where does the time go? I have been back in Iraq for six and a half months now. I've decided to challenge the rainy season. I'm determined to make it through. I can walk on pavement almost the entire way to the palace. It just adds on about a quarter more of the distance.

Food, however, is a different story. That may pose a problem. It's all gravel and dirt right now from the street to the DFAC, so it may not be my route to work. Maybe I can bring my meals, or use the truck to go get them. Well worrying about it is not going to do me any good, so I guess I'll work it out as I go. And besides, the option to transfer may be my only alternative if this proves too much of a problem for me.

I'm thrilled to say that I had another Pin-Up rendering done and I'm really excited about how it turned out. Visit http://www.karinadale.com to see the artists site. Here's the art work.
Yep, the secret is out, I really do have a tattoo on my leg, just like the picture shows it. This pose is in honor of my pool playing days when I was on a league back home. I was never really consistent, but I loved it and had a lot of fun with my friends. I hope to get back into it when I return home to stay. I love the personal touches of my thumb rings (which have a lot of emotional meaning to me) and my own pool cue!

So it rained mud yesterday from what I was told. We had a sandstorm, and then it rained in the middle of it. It's a bit early for rain, but it's been humid here lately so I guess it's been building up. It doesn't encourage me! I ordered some boots, but the were being sent to my Stateside home and my kids will have to send them to me. Probably none too soon to get the over here!

I guess things back home have been pretty good. The family has had time to be together and my grand babies adore my daughters. Then put my son and his wife in the mix and you have non-stop enjoyment ... in the form of either intellectual stimulation or laughter, or several combinations of both! But now every one is back in school or work or steeped in personal projects. It's tough to get back to the real world, but yet there are some wonderful challenges ahead for all of them.

Ah, Life! What do you hold for me? I can't wait to find out!

Well, just though an update was in order, so, there ye be! Sending much love to all my family and friends, and the love of my life.

Quirks. Idiosyncrasies. Peculiarities. Pet Peeves.

2008-08-30T10:30:00.000-07:00

Quirk: A peculiar habit, mannerism, or aspect of somebody's character
Idiosyncrasy: A way of behaving, thinking, or feeling that is peculiar to an individual or group, especially an odd or unusual one
Peculiarity: The quality or state of being unusual or strange
Pet Peeves: Somebody's constant topic of complaint

Yes, they are pretty much all interchangeable; redundant might even be the right word. But I wanted to make a point. There are some really strange things here that just aren’t right! Well in a "normal" environment they wouldn’t be right, but out here they are acceptable.

So where do I start?

How about the men’s showers? I can’t tell you how many men I have seen walking to or from the showers wrapped in nothing more than a towel. I don’t know if there is anything under the towel, but it is just wrapped around them as though they just got out of their shower at home and are walking to their bedroom. I would like to point out to all of you… young, old, military, civilian… this isn’t home. And all those women you see walking around trying not to stare (not at how good looking you are, but at how ridiculous you look) are not you family members! They… no, strike that… WE are strangers! Get a robe. Or shorts and a T-shirt!

OK. That’s one down.

But speaking of military, I know they changed the age you can join to 40 something, and if you are physically fit and able to fight for your country… good for you! BUT… I have seen a lot of very overweight soldiers out here and I don’t understand that. I always thought you had to maintain a certain BMI to stay active duty. Maybe that has changed as well. Can someone explain that to me?

Rumor has it that one of the companies over here was given funds to put in cement sidewalks throughout the living areas. Instead they have cemented their own living areas and made their accommodations very cozy, and we still have gravel and sand. I won’t mention names, but here’s a link you can look at! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kellogg,_Brown_and_Root. I really hate the gravel. Yet come the rainy season, I’ll be happy to walk in that instead of the mud. Well... there are places where the gravel is so thin that we will have a lot of mud anyway. So I hate the gravel and I hate the mud. Now you know. Big WHOOP! Nothing I can do about it but get over it, get through it and keep on truckin’. Well so much for that thought process.

Did you notice this is pretty much a bitch session? I mean after almost 4 years here, it had to happen. Right?

OK... Onwards we go. The post office. Bless their pea-pickin’ hearts, but give me a break… if I bring a footlocker in, to mail to the States, I have to remove everything in it and let some stranger go through it all. They throw it back in the footlocker and don’t worry about how it is packed. It takes a long time to go through it, and people behind you are not real excited about waiting. But I have been in there when someone in front of me had three footlockers and a couple large boxes to send. So you learn to deal with it. You never learn to like it, but you deal.

The rooms in the trailers we live in are pretty small. We have a roommate, and each of us has a bed, a night stand, a wall locker, and a little extra room for a couple plastic style chest-of-drawers. Or a refrigerator and microwave. We have to go to the port-o-john around the corner from our trailer if we have to use the bathroom at night or we can walk to the other end of our row to the latrines, and the shower trailer is next to the latrine trailer. No we don’t have running water in our rooms. We can get our bottled water at the water station between the men’s latrine and showers. They come complete with a thick film of dirt over the package of 12 bottles, all nicely bundled up in plastic shrink wrap. Yes, they are outdoor temperature when we get them. So if it is 125 degrees outside, chances are the water is going to be pretty warm until you have it in your air-conditioned room overnight.

Speaking of air-conditioning… I have walked into a warm room after work a couple of times. Nothing that my roommate did, just the A/C not working. After a sweaty half hour of cleaning the filter, going outside and standing under the unit and punching it as hard as I can with the handle of a broom to shake it and watch all the dust fly out of it, and then taking a water bottle and putting a hole in the top with my knife and squirting the water inside the unit (as much as I can reach of it anyway) to clean out the rest of it, then waiting for another hour for it to actually start feeling cool before I go take my shower and get rid of the dirt and sweat. I then come back to a nice cool room. Until next time.

Then there is the heat. On my days off, if I go to the showers, take in my laundry, walk to the PX or the DFAC, I walk out into what has lately been in the 120 degree temperatures and as I go down the steps from my metal porch, I hold the metal railing or put my hand on the metal siding and about burn myself. I’m very serious, it is so hot that if I were to leave my hand on any of the metal surfaces I would come away with a very red and probably rather sore burn on my hands.

And I will make this my last statement for this entry… I’m very lonely. I used to have so many friends here, and a lot of other people emailed me. Most of the friends left and I don’t get many emails anymore. I’m kind of feeling neglected, forgotten, and unloved… if anyone is reading this, it’s not easy being over here away from everyone you love and everything you know. Maybe I’m the one who has neglected my friends, if I have, I’m sorry. Write to me and ask me why… maybe I didn’t even know I had done it.

So, until next time… Peace to you all.

Oh yeah, Happy Labor Day weekend!

Starting Over - Again

2008-08-07T16:52:00.000-07:00

My roommate moved out, but she brought my new roommate in and introduced her to me. I cleaned the room and rearranged things a little bit. But I still didn't have any space. I thought I'd have to do a real thorough cleaning of all my belongings and scatter a lot of items to the wind. I figured I would either give or throw them away, depending on usefulness and condition. I hold on to everything in my life. I can't let go. Hmmm... is that what "shrinks" call baggage? NAH!!

Anyway, my new roommate is very cool. I don't think we will have any problems, we seem to get along quite well. Her second day here, she put in a request for larger wall lockers and about an hour later we got the bigger wooden lockers like I had in my last room! I was shocked! It just never occurred to me to even ask! We have them down the middle of the room as a divider so we both have our little private areas. It's kind of nice. Kudos to her for thinking of asking about them. I was able to find storage space for almost everything now, so I can put off the cleaning out of my junk for now.

I'm very excited, I was able to get a professional PinUp artist to do a rendering of me! I'll be adding her banner to my blog when she sends it to me. Her website is www.karinadale.com. I love how she depicted me in a semi sexy outfit with the OIF (Operation Iraqi Freedom) insignia on the pocket of my dress, and me wearing combat boots and socks, and you can tell it's a palace as the background... well, I can tell... because I work there and know what it looks like! Yes of course you can see it!

I have had a few people say it looks like me (guys I know) and some say it doesn't (females). I figure maybe they don't quite understand what Pin-Up Art is. It is basic caricature. Anyway. I'm happy! So there! :)

I've been making plans to go to some classes around the September or October time frame. I want to get certificates for several things. I think they will look good after my name, kind of like degrees... titles... good stuff to have for job hunting after my contract here is up. And, speaking of which, I'm close to 6 months into the one year I signed up for, and even closer to having been with the company for four years! Time has flown by so quickly! My grandson is 7 weeks old already, and he has gotten so big! I get pictures all the time of the boys. They have all grown. I miss them very much. But before I know it, I'll be holding them all in my arms!

Well, I guess that's the updates for now. I need to get motivated to start writing my books again. I don't think writers block is supposed to last this long! Writing here in my blog helps me think about how my stories will go, but then after I hit "publish now" and check to see how the new entry looks... I forget the books! Ah well... I feel that good things will happen for me. Soon. Very soon.

They Pave Paradise and Put up a Parking Lot

2008-07-20T22:26:00.000-07:00

“Don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t know what you got till it’s gone?”

So much introspection. So much thinking about where I was, where I am, where I want to be, and why I’m not there yet.

I had it all. A nice big beautiful rental, a great roommate, with my daughter living there as well. And we had a lot of fun together. I more or less had a boyfriend whom I loved very much. I had a job where I had a lot of friends, and I was involved in a pool league that made my weeks complete. Then I went to Iraq. I thought it would be a good move. More money, more experience. Bigger and better resume with a secret clearance. New friends. And little by little I lost it all. Or should I say I exchanged it all. I bought a house and pretty much dislodged my roommate and my daughter, I lost touch with my pool pals, I quit corresponding with my friends, my boyfriend left me (several times), and now I hate my job. Actually I used to love my job until I went home for my surgery and became the wicked Witch of the West.

Now here I am back in Iraq, wondering if I made the wrong decisions. What if you could go back in time? Like in Family Man, just for a “glimpse”. Would I like what I would have been if I hadn’t left and if we had stayed in the other house? Where would that have left my son and his wife and kids? Would I have hurt so many people I love?

But what’s done is done and now it’s time to make the best of it all. I need to cherish what I have. I’ve got the love of my son and his wife and boys. I have a beautiful house. I have a good job that will help us get out of the red and into a good situation. I have a few very good friends. I have the opportunity to get some certificates while I am overseas so that I am more valuable when I can come home. I am free to find love or let it find me. Why would I sit and waste my time on wanting what once was, when I can make a wonderful life on what now is? I can miss the things I had. But dwelling on them is not helping me to go on with my life. By going on, I can let go, and by letting go, sometimes the things you let go of come back to you. Not always, and not always the exact same things or people, and it isn’t the reason to let go. But it has happened, and if it does, at that time I can decide if I want those things back in my life or if I am better off without them. I always learn something when I write about what I’m feeling. I’ll always miss what I once had. But isn’t that true about everything in the past? I miss my life in Oregon when we lived in a little two room shack. I miss my life in Ohio when I had 9 people living with me. I miss the times when I used to drive almost an hour each way to pick up my daughters just to drive them a mile to school, or to pick them up after school so I could spend time with them. I miss the circles I would drive in front of their house before I would leave them at their Dad’s, and they would run out to the back yard so they could wave to me as I drove past on the main street. I miss the farm we lived on, with the awesome old house, the barn, the trees, the land, the privacy. I miss my job as the head designer/manager of three flower shops/garden center/landscape department. I miss the time I spent with my kids before they started school, I miss the gang I grew up with on West Blvd. All through my life there are things that will stay with me forever. But they have brought me to where I am now. So in effect, where I am is a product of all of my past experiences, so how can I really be unhappy with what I have and where I am?

Well, I don’t know if any of that made sense to you, but it sure helped me. And after all, this is my blog, I’m just allowing you to read it, letting you touch my life. So if you get anything from this, that’s great, if not, it’s OK… just read. I’ll live my life and share what I can. In the meantime, “you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone…" so, cherish it all now, while you can.

Life Goes On

2008-07-14T09:56:00.000-07:00

Things just keep changing. People leave, new friends appear, policies get re-written, goals change, minds change...

I've met some people online over the past few weeks who were very interesting to talk to. I believe that the saying is true that every person comes into your life for a reason. I learned something from a couple of them, then we never talked again, but they were profound lessons. I have had ongoing conversations that have been very deep and stimulating. I'm looking forward to new friendships.

I have watched some good movies, seen some great music videos and have started studying for one of my certificates. All in all, life has been interesting.

I'm still carrying my cane to work with me, I haven't used it much on the way TO work, but after sitting at my desk for the majority of the 12 hour shift that I work, I tend to get a little stiff, and it helps to have the cane to walk home with. By the time I make it halfway home, I can carry it again. Pretty soon it will be stored away in a corner and I'll be free of the "cruth" I have been using. I wonder what other "crutches" I need to put in the corner.

Wonderful things are going on at home. There is a true sense of family and it's something I am truly happy about. So often I wish I could be with them, be part of a real home. I just realized I have been back here for very nearly five months already. One more month and ten days and it will have been six months since I left to come back here. Half of my contract will be up. I'm seeing more of the old crowd coming back. Some military, some civilian. All acquaintances, but good to see. I have a few friends here. But I don't want to try to guess the future of those friendships. I still keep in touch with a few people from the past years, but it is not often, and it is just to say hi and let them know they haven't been forgotten. But even some of them have dropped out of my radar. No responses. I can only say... it was great while it lasted, I hope that all is well for you and that you are safe and happy, somewhere.

But there are the ones I know I'll never lose. There is a bond. A friendship that no matter how long since the last time we talked, the feelings of the friendship we had will always be there. I know I have friends distributed all over. I know that if I contacted them and asked if I could stop by because I was near them, they would make time for me and probably give me food and a place to rest my head. It's a beautiful thing to know there are relationships that will always be that special. My time here in Iraq has been special. I don't know how much longer I'll be here, but I know it has been worth everything I have gone through to have had this opportunity.

Yes... Life goes on. And I'm going on with it. As a special person told me recently, "In the words of Doris Day 'Whatever will be will be, the future's not ours to see. Que sera, sera.'"

So roll with it. Stress gets you no where. Enjoy what you have while you have it, make the most of each day and always remember "Life is too short for drama and petty things, so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly."

Happy Fourth of July!!!

2008-07-04T21:08:00.000-07:00

This is not the place I want to see fireworks or hear loud noises. We had a huge ceremony today of the swearing in of 1100 troops who reenlisted. Patriotism isn’t dead. I don’t really understand how.

Over here it seems there’s more patriotism
than there was back home.

Apparently the swearing in was for Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines and maybe even a few Coast Guard, but whatever it was it was huge.

Wonder how things were back home. Probably had the Thunderbirds do their thing and then Fireworks all around the city. I miss that.

I hope that one of these days I can enjoy the kind of Fourth of July we used to have when we went to the lake in Cleveland, or into the mountains in the springs. Or something like the fun we had when just us girls went to watch the meteor showers in Oregon.

I’m looking at happier times. I’m here so we can have them again. I know it will all work out in the end.

Meanwhile… HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY TO ALL OF YOU.

A New Day

2008-06-30T23:09:00.000-07:00

O Muse!
Sing in me, and through me tell the story
Of that man skilled in all the ways of contending...
A wanderer, harried for years on end...

A wise man once told me to let go of the past. That when I talk to my friends or loved ones the past can only be a wall that cannot be scaled. How simple it sounds. Even the Bible says to forgive and forget. I've thought I could forgive, but the forgetting part is a lot tougher. But then, have I truly forgiven? I feel pain inside. Anger. Hurt. Something that is festering and when I try to ignore it, it just opens the wound and it gets infected with more pain and anger and hurt.

O Muse!
Sing in me, and through me tell the story
Of that man skilled in all the ways of contending...
A wanderer, harried for years on end...

What right do I have to be the victim? Maybe in reality I have made that "wanderer" the victim. Maybe I'm the bad guy. Maybe I'm the perpetrator. I am guilty. I have expected so much from so many, that I have become like my father in many ways. He expected perfection from his family and we always disappointed him. Am I doing that to those closest to me? Everyone else who knew my father loved him. He didn't expect anything from them. We were his Achilles heel. We made him imperfect. He could never understand us or just love us for who we were, because we were him.

O Muse!
Sing in me, and through me tell the story
Of that man skilled in all the ways of contending...
A wanderer, harried for years on end...

I laughed today. I let go of the heaviness and let myself appreciate all I have. Maybe someday, the ones I love will understand. Maybe someday I will just let myself forget it all. Maybe someday my love will be pure. But today, I am just a human being stuck in this body with this mind telling me that it's OK to be imperfect. It's OK if some don't understand. It's just all OK.

Is anyone reading this thing?

2008-06-27T23:09:00.000-07:00

I'm going to pout for a while here. I think I have a right. Here I am in Iraq, I've come back to basically none of my past friends. There are some here, but they have lives of their own. The people I have felt close to and love, are not here with me. Iraq has lost it's luster. Maybe it's just loneliness and homesickness talking right now, but I have always felt that this was where I needed to be, and now, I wish that I was home. But even home isn't very much like home. So much in my life has changed. So much in everyone's life has changed. I wonder where I belong. I wonder IF I belong. Am I writing this just for my own self indulgence? Does anyone care? Only one person has ever posted a comment to me. Do you realize how supportive that is? But if no one is reading... I can either say anything I want to say... and not give a damn about what anyone thinks, or I can just stop writing and wasting my time. So if you read, please post a comment, if nothing else but to say hello, you are following me... if I get no responses, I'll determine my next step. Maybe deleting the whole thing would be my best bet. That's a thing to consider. Then again, maybe tomorrow everything will be rosy, and it won't matter that I am lonely today.

From the Movie "Heart and Souls" to all I love

2008-06-25T02:12:00.000-07:00

The years they come and go

Change will come I know,

You won’t be there

My Heart and Soul.

A Different time and place

Time cannot erase.

The smile that’s on your face, as you gaze in mine

You will always shine and you

Will always be

An angel making sure I care, a memory that’s always there.

Your dreams won’t die they live inside of me,

You will always be

My Heart and Soul.

The years roll on and on,

I looked and you were gone.

I miss you so,

My Heart and Soul

The years can make you wise

Now I finally realize, that if I just close my eyes

I can see you there, and the love we share.

And you, will always be

A dream so real that cannot die,

A trust in faith that lets me fly,

A love so strong that it just belongs to me.

You will always be

My Heart and Soul

An angel making sure I care,

A memory that’s always there,

You’ll always be

My Heart and Soul

So Much Joy!

2008-06-18T12:16:00.000-07:00

I have a new grandson. Mom and baby doing well, papa bursting with pride, aunt there for support, all worn to a frazzle from not sleeping. Baby born June 17th. 8 pounds, 20 inches long. Wish I could have been there! I miss you and love you all so much. My heart is bursting!

As they say, if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans!

2008-06-12T23:14:00.000-07:00

"The best laid plans of mice and men, often go astray". So I'm saying, nothing really went the way it was supposed to go.

People I wanted to see I didn't see, people I hadn't expected to see I saw. Some things that I wanted to happen didn't happen, but other good things did.

I was going to see Amsterdam on my way home, but chickened out. I am not good at doing things alone. I like sharing my experiences with someone else. So I spent my time sleeping in the airport.

Things were a lot different this time. I wasn't a burden to my family, I chose to spend a lot of time at home, but I also spent time with friends and went out when I wanted to. I had an extended birthday celebration... my kids got me some awesome gifts, cute things... a little perfume bottle, and a.. ummm... "horse". I loved them both. The perfume bottle is delicate and very beautiful, and the horse is clunky and ridiculously funny. Both of them are very "ME".

Then a few days later,
a friend of ours had just had a birthday as well, so we had a combined birthday dinner. My son told me I could have anything I wanted and he would make it for me. I only thought for a few minutes and decided on lobster tails, and corn on the cob. He made them for me, too! He found a marinade in a cookbook for the tails, and he grilled everything outside, we had a luscious dinner followed by a birthday cake and then the last NHL game of the Stanley Cup Finals. What a birthday celebration! Of course it was all about a week early because I was going to leave before my birthday, but I never had anyone do something like that for me before. Not since I was a kid. It was so great. I felt very loved.

I guess fate decided who I would and wouldn't see this time around, because it sure wasn't my choice to miss the ones I missed. I'm thrilled to have spent time with the ones I did see. We had a great time. It's funny how you just pick up where you left off and it seems like you never left.

I went home to be there for the new baby. I left with no new baby in sight. But my daughter got to the house the day before I left and will be able to help with things for the next month. I'm so happy that we were able to overlap that way.

The way things look right now, I may not see the baby before he is walking and maybe even talking! But I'll get pictures!

All in all, life was really good. It went way too fast, but, isn't that the way it always goes? So tonight I go back to work. And everything goes back to "normal". That's life, though. Never expect things to go the way you plan them. Just roll with it and enjoy the ride. All I have left to say is that I'm homesick. Yes, already. So... FLY, time!!!!

Off to Amsterdam, then to the States

2008-05-12T11:09:00.000-07:00

I’m in the Kuwait International Airport right now waiting for my flight to Amsterdam. I’ll have a nine hour layover there and plan to take one of the tours they offer from the airport. One of my co-workers told me that they check your flight itinerary and based on that they tell you where you can go that will get you back to the airport in time for your flight. They might take you to the canals or to a museum or to see a windmill. I’m a scaredy-cat, so I’m nervous about leaving the airport. But I really want to be able to say I’ve “visited” my homeland. Well, Amsterdam isn’t my homeland, but I’m from the Netherlands, so at least it’s home soil.

This whole thing sort of came up unexpectedly. I wasn’t planning to go home for a few more months. By then I’d get to see my grand babies, and spend time with the new one, and see my friends. But I had to get maternal on my Daughter-in-Law and since she was early with her other deliveries I decided to go home to be sure that someone would be there if the baby wanted to be early. I’ll only be there until June 7^th, by that time my daughter will be in town and she can take over the vigil. If the baby hasn’t been born yet, I won’t ever see him until he has already started walking and maybe even talking because it will be 10 more months before I can go back home again. But at least I know that between my daughter and I, someone will be there if they have to rush out in the middle of the night, and the boys will be able to stay home with someone they know will take care of them. My son said he wanted me there just in case, and when I talked to my daughter-in-law, she said she thinks she will be a couple weeks yet, but will be happy to have me home. Well… Cool. I’ll go home.

Well, after landing in Amsterdam, I found out that the tours were not open until 8AM, and they needed at least 4 people to make a tour. So, chicken that I am, I just shopped in the airport. And ate. And drank. :)

If I have a need to get away again, I’ll go somewhere I’ve wanted to visit, like Egypt or Thailand or Bahrain. I’ve got some good information on visiting Egypt, so I think that will be where I’ll go next. It’s about time I actually did some travelling. After being in Iraq as long as I have, I have never visited anywhere other than home and Canada. Time for me to diversify! I’ll have to go alone I guess, so I need to start getting that mindset that I’m perfectly capable of traveling in third world countries by myself. Well… Maybe I can find someone who will go with me.

It’s almost time to board, so I’ll end this for now and finish it after I get home.

Toki Sio!!

Malo e lelei! Hello! I’m home and happy as a pig in… mud. I came home with a different attitude… I understand that you can believe that is true and think you are different and when it comes down to it nothing changed. (The Proverbial BUT!!) But, I have been doing some very deep soul searching, and I am starting to see how I react to things and what makes me tick.

On my flight home there was a baby who had the biggest set of lungs I’d ever heard, there was wailing, screaming, non-stop noise. My instinctive reaction was, “Oh great, just my luck to have that screaming brat on my plane, the 9 hour trip is going to be my undoing!” Then, I started to realize that the baby was not trying to be my undoing, it was hungry, tired, scared or sick. I started to feel compassion for the infant. I have to be honest, that was the last I noticed of it. The parents were able to calm it down, it went on a different flight or it just plain didn’t bother me anymore. The same with the three babies on my 2 hour flight home.

Someone cut me off in traffic today, I spewed contempt at them, and then I stopped myself and realized I had done things like that before and that I had no right to judge that person based on one moment in time. I silently apologized and moved on.

Did I “see the light”? Did I “get religion?” I’ve been trying to absorb a book my lead let me borrow. Here is an excerpt, taken out of context, it may not shed any light, but it meant something to me:

“A body in uniform motion will remain in uniform motion until it is acted upon by force.” What does “uniform motion” mean in terms of a human Life, and what is the “force” that alters that motion?...

It goes on to describe a very bitter man named Gregory; a “white, middle-class, college educated man from the Northeast. His childhood was emotionally difficult, and he grew up angry, manipulative, and bitter. He was incapable of forming relationships, and his violent temper and argumentative nature kept people at a distance. This further increased Gregory’s disdain for Life and for other people, but he did not stop to ask what role he played in his experiences…

When, at last, his temper and disagreeable disposition caused the woman that he was living with to leave, Gregory fell into a deep anguish not only because of his loss, but also because he recognized in this latest event the repetition of a long-standing pattern in which he found himself, in each instance, suffering from rejection. He determined to confront both his pain and his pattern…”

By committing to that, he changed his life. The “force” that altered “the uniform motion” of his life, was to enter into his life consciously, if he had not done so, he would have continued on that same course.

Now this might not mean anything to many, or it might mean everything to a few, it meant something to me. I know that I am in a “uniform motion” heading for… I don’t know what future… but by “force” I plan to intervene, and I will assist in where I eventually end up. I “will” myself to be more compassionate, to not react negatively to things around me, to find the love inside myself and the forgiveness and the ability to ask for forgiveness as well. I’m sure I will have a rough journey, but I ran into it, like a wall. I don’t pretend to think I will all of a sudden be a wonderful person, but I will eventually be tolerable and have the ability to be loved and to love.

If you are interested, the book is called “The Seat of the Soul”, by Gary Zuvak.

“Every cause that has not yet produced its effect is an event that has not yet come to completion. It is an imbalance of energy that is in the process of becoming balanced.”

Let’s Enjoy a Day Off

2008-05-01T22:18:00.000-07:00

Well, we start out pretty much the same way with getting ready to go to work. But usually I lie around in bed for a while longer and sleep in a bit, or read or get on my computer and check email, news, and messenger. Maybe I’ll watch a movie.

Come the heat of the day I’m restless and want to go out. Don’t ask. I know it’s really not very bright to be heading out at the noon hour when the sun is hottest and here in Iraq… that’s saying something.

So it’s 109 degrees. But not very much humidity!! J I head over to the bus station. I’m going to go to the Bazaar. In need a phone card and an electrical cord for these Asian plugs. So I get on a bus and off we go. Of course we have to show our badge as we enter the Bazaar, and I look around at the array of unique and strange things for sale. Some are even made in Iraq. I go buy my phone card and find the outlet I wanted.

If you want to mosey around a little bit, you’ll notice many of the items are just the same kind of things you would find in a bazaar or yard sale anywhere in the States. There are all kinds of cleaning supplies, electronics, tools, and then there are some clothes, some are just typical pants and shirts, some are name brand sportswear, some are handmade outfits from the Middle East, they measure you and sew them (they usually just have to be fitted, not freshly made) right there while you wait. There are hand crafted carpets, the really awesome kind that you find hanging on walls rather than being walked on. There is a resident artist who will take in a picture you bring in of someone and paint it on canvas or velvet in different sizes. Some of these pictures don’t turn out to look like the people in the photos, even when they do them over four or five times, but some of them are incredible likenesses. They also have a lot of premade Middle East looking paintings and they aren’t terribly expensive. All through the building there are people selling glassware, gold-plated items and silver that came from some palaces or were made in the likeness of something that was owned by the rich. They also sell relics of Sadam era utensils and coins and paper money. Then, as you are ready to walk out… in case you didn’t notice as you walked in… there is the “India” display, an entire corner of brass or bronze (or whatever it is) elephants, incense burners and hookahs and all manner of junk that you can get in any little place that sells Indian items. OK... time to get out of here and go to the “Big PX”.

Now, since you aren’t allowed to take a bag into the PX, I took my purchase out of the bag, stuffed the bag in my pocket and with receipt in hand they allowed me to walk into the PX toting my merchandise.

I have this thing about having to buy at least one DVD when I go to the PX. OK, usually it’s more than one, but I get there so seldom that I allow myself at least one. I got a bunch of cleaning supplies, a towel and some hair care products. They also sell frozen meat (a lot of people buy this for their Saturday or Sunday Bar-B-Q’s) and lots of refrigerated foods and drinks along with tons of junk food and a wide variety of packaged foods that don’t need to be refrigerated. They have rack upon rack of military wear, stuff you can’t buy if you don’t have a military ID, mostly shorts, T-Shirts, gym clothes, running clothes, jackets and sweats. Then there is the knife section… one of my favorite, mixed in with flashlights and all kinds of military gadgets. There are the towels and sheets and blankets section, and the magazine and book section, all close to the computer and camera and electronics sections. There’s more, but it’s too long and boring to list. Suffice it to say, pretty much, if you need it here, they have it.

So after waiting in line and paying for my items I get out and after passing all the patches and jewelry and coin kiosks, I decide I’m hungry. A walk around the perimeter takes you past Taco Bell, Cinnabon/Seattles Best Coffee, Popeye’s Chicken, Burger King and places to sit to eat the stuff you buy if you don’t want to take it with you. After that I pretty much have to leave. Most places don’t like you going inside with packages. But all that is left on the other side is the beauty shop, an electronics store, a jewelry store/gift shop, a car and motorcycle store… don’t ask… never been inside or asked anyone else about them, and I believe an ATT calling area.

So, back on the bus. Back to Victory. Back to my trailer where I unpack and store everything I bought and then off to Green beans for my treat and then back to the trailer, pack up for a shower, go get fresh, then come back to drink my coffee, spend a few hours on line, do some reading or movie watching and then get some sleep. After all… it’s been a long day and I have to work tomorrow.

See, this is my hard life on a military base in the middle of the Iraqi desert. If it weren’t for the heat, the lack of family and the incoming, this would be a great place to be.

Bring A Friend to Work Day!

2008-04-24T14:30:00.000-07:00

This might not be as exciting as, say, a trip to Disney Land or The NHL playoffs, but I’ll do my best to try to give you a little better idea of my living situation and my day to day life here in Baghdad.

Understand that I work nights now, but I will kind of walk you through a normal work day and a day off from just a few weeks ago when I was working days.

Let’s start with waking up in the morning to get ready for work. Of course you have nature screaming in your ear, so you get out from under the blankets, because your room is at a very nice low to mid 60 degrees so you can sleep. You throw on some sandals or flip-flops or some kind of footwear and stumble outside into the light of the early morning. As you go around the 12 to 15 foot tall T-walls, you see the sunrise and you are captivated by its beauty as you walk to the Port-O-John that is sitting just a row away from your trailer and you actually smile because it is vacant and you are able to use it. As you leave, using a squirt of hand sanitizer on your way out, you realize that had this been any other scenario you wouldn’t have been caught dead in one of those things. But, being a war zone, and being that the POJ’s are cleaned at least twice a day, you barely notice it.

Back at your room you get out your shower bag and towel and head to the other end of the row to the shower trailer, dressed in night clothes, keys in hand, because you don’t go that far for that long without locking your door. The showers are all lined up with their shower curtains that almost reach from side to side. There’s a long bench down the middle to put your shower bags on and there are hooks in the stall area to hang your towels. The middle of the shower aisle is covered by planks of wood (almost like pallets, but much sturdier) to keep you from sliding around on the tile floors when your feet are wet. OK... shower time allotted is 3 to 5 minutes, so rush through the shampoo, rinse, condition and then body wash and rinse all at once. (Mind you, you have just showered in what is called “non-potable” water. That means it isn’t pure and you’d get sick if you drink it.) Towel dry, dress and get back to the trailer to get ready for work. You know this part I’m pretty sure. Comb hair, dress, deodorant, and perfume, and makeup… depending on who you are and how you do things, you have to brush your teeth. Sometimes I go to the bathroom with a bottle of water, other times I brush in my trailer and use an empty bottle to expel the used toothpaste into and rinse, then take it to the trash. It’s totally amazing the things you get used to when you are in a dry trailer. In a war zone. In a tiny room. With a roommate.

OK. Dressed, ready to go. Remember keys and badge. Put on belt with Gerber Tool and flashlight on one side and knife on the other side. Along with that I have a clip on with two pill bottles and a cue scuffer and a key to my footlocker and an extra (smaller) flashlight that I hang on one of my belt loops. Carry a plastic bag in my pocket so I can get extra food at the chow hall to bring to work for lunch. Phone in one pocket and camera in other. OK... NOW I’m ready to walk out the door. Sometimes I’ll bring a book for breaks.

As we walk outside. The sun has risen and it’s beginning to warm up quite a bit. We make our way through the labyrinth of walls to the open area to cross over to the dining facility and get a quick breakfast. There is a 100% hands-on ID check. Then you walk inside to the wash up area; always wash your hands before entering the dining area. Scan your badge and then get in line.

You can line up at several stations to get custom made omelets or eggs done any way you like them. Sometimes they even have egg whites, but not often. Pick from cold cereals, hot oatmeal, grits, bacon, sausage, hash browns, biscuits and gravy, breakfast burritos, and the list goes on. Juices, coffee, tea, milk… fruit… and at that my mind put on the brakes. There’s more, but I can’t think of it… and it was getting boring anyway.

So I talk to the workers I know, I eat, I get a “to go” plate for later and head for the palace. The Tongan guards at the gates are wonderful. They are so helpful and they seem to enjoy teaching their language to people… thus my “Tongan Phrase for the Day” posting.

We walk across the bridge to the palace and maybe stop at the end to watch people feed the fish. Not sure what kind they are, but stories have it that they are ancient, and have been living off of human flesh and bones from the people that Saddam killed and threw in his lake. They are monstrous. I feel that it is very possible that if you were to fall into the water, you’d be “Gone In 60 Seconds”!

By the way, the whole image of the Palace definitely makes an impression. It is massive and intimidating. As you walk through the front doors into the “Lobby” you are greeted by more Tongans who check your Palace access and wave you through… into the rotunda. This is where you find Sadam’s throne, on which thousands have sat and had their picture taken. Then you start looking around the room at the size: the pillars, the marble, the stairwells, and the majestic chandelier that, unless you are there, you have no way to gauge the magnitude of the composition. You are just another tourist at this point. Camera out, pictures by the dozen, and not one can catch the reality of the audacity it took to build something so brazen when his people were dying of starvation and sickness.

Well... at this point it is time to leave the palace, because visitors are not allowed to enter certain areas. I’ll walk you back to the guard shack and, we can spend tomorrow together doing what I do on my day off.

Surprise!! A New Roommate!

2008-04-22T14:27:00.000-07:00

Sound asleep. The door opens. I wake up and roll over to bright light coming through my door. A nice looking young lady tiptoes in, apologizing for waking me and tells me she’ll just drop off her things and be gone. A man follows with a couple boxes. They set things down and as they walk out I mention to her that I had written a note to my next roommate so she could have an idea of who she was rooming with and that we’d talk on my next day off. “OK. Sorry to bother you.” I roll over and go back to sleep. But I smile.

**(Update: Thursday 24 April 2008) I like her. We agree on things. I wasn’t taking any chances, I wanted to be sure she would be OK with the fact that I would be off two nights a week and that I would probably be on my computer most of the time either chatting or watching movies. We agreed that we would share the chores of keeping the room clean. We talked about splitting the cost of a refrigerator and microwave. She will be here for a year, but her schedule although maybe once in a while might be a little less stringent than it sounds, is for her to work seven 12 hour days in a row for three months and then have a three week vacation. She walked to the PX tonight and I gave her my Green Beans Card so she could get us each a coffee. I told her to use the blanket I had put on that bed, it is warm and pretty, so she was happy to use it, especially since I keep the temperature in the sub zero range on my nights off. I also had bought “risers” for both beds. You put them under the four corners of the beds and it lifts the bed up about 5 inches so you can store a lot more stuff under the bed (Target Special). That helped me a lot. There were some things I just didn’t have room for. She had a box at the foot of her bed that she had no place else to put, the risers worked out great. POOF!!! Under the bed it disappears! Yeah... I think we will get along fine.

Thriving on Communication

2008-04-16T00:00:00.000-07:00

The past few days have been very interesting and I must say quite fulfilling. I loved my help desk job because I was always involved with so many people, and as someone today put it, I’m a social butterfly. So being in the deepest darkest center of the palace where no one ever goes is very hard for me. I am working nights with systems instead of with people (other than my co-workers) and I’m secluded. I have to get my social fix on my walks to and from work and in the DFAC and gym… although honestly I tend to more or less hide as much as I can at the gym. So as I started out saying, the past couple days have been good.

On line a few nights ago I saw someone I had not seen in quite a while and although we used to talk a lot, he has been busy and has not been on line much, so seeing him was great. We spent a while talking and kind of rekindling our friendship. He promised he would be on more often. He is someone very dear to me, so I was really happy to have been able to get back in touch.

I got a new roommate and two days later she told me that she had gone to KBR and gotten a different room with a friend who had been working with her, they had come over together, and the other girl had no roommate. So here I am once again, alone.

I had gotten up around 5PM and took in my laundry, and then I walked to the PX and bought a blanket and some bottles of green tea. I had wanted to go to the Turkish Shop before this, but I had not been close to it during their open hours until yesterday, so I went there and saw my friend. After I got done shopping and after I went over to Subway for a sandwich he asked one of his co-workers to give me a ride back to my trailer. He told me to come back in a week when he got a new shipment of rings. He said he would take care of me. He is such a great person. I never cared much for stones in rings, I just liked silver, but somehow I got hooked on opals and the Turkish Shop carries so many gorgeous colors and styles that I just can’t help myself. It is just one of a few of my addictions, along with Amazon.com and my grandchildren.

I spent most of the night on line last night talking to a former colleague. This is a person I have kept in touch with for quite a while, but on a very generic basis. We would see each other on line and say hello, talk for a bit, and that was it. Last night we got into a conversation that lasted almost four hours, Just catching up. It was kind of neat. We both had fun.

I spent the rest of the night sleeping, and then had trouble trying to sleep through the day so I could be rested for tonight. But I managed to get a few hours of shut-eye. When I got up, I went to the dining facility where I saw a couple I really like a lot, but don’t run into often (always a pleasure to see them) then I ran into a friend whom I had met while I was working in the IZ. I talked to an officer from Kazakhstan who had spent time in the States. He spoke English quite well. As I walked to work after I left the DFAC, I ran into another person I hadn’t seen in a while. He was surprised that I was still here. Then closer to work, much to my surprise I ran across another soldier that I remember from a previous deployment and he stopped me to talk for a few minutes. And then of course I always love to see the Tongan guards. They are so proper and polite and always open the gate for me instead of having me go through the turnstiles. So many wonderful people have touched my life. I’m really very fortunate. This is a good place.

As I said, the past couple days have been good. In fact like a gold mine for me. I crave the interaction and it seems like it all came to me at once. I feel very fulfilled today.

The one thing I do miss is my ability to talk freely, and often, about the political scene. I rely on my email as my means to communicate with my son and my brother about this. Once in a while one of my daughters gets involved, but I think she is too busy with school now and maybe disenchanted by the events that are constantly occurring and making being an avid supporter very difficult. The political scene just isn’t for everyone, and I’m starving for infusions. I love that my brother is always keeping me informed and responding to my emails. My son gets into it once in a while, but he isn’t as deeply involved as I am. He has a pretty full life right now.

Our family has a great time with discussion when it comes to some topics, sometimes everyone gets involved and we can get quite carried away, and very deep, but recently we haven’t had a really good topic to center in on. With the differences that have come up in our living situations and lifestyles, I guess it’s understandable that we don’t have something going on presently.

People have asked me for news of my family, but to be honest, I prefer to allow my family and friends their respective privacies. I have mentioned my son and my brother above, and that a baby is imminent, that would be my daughter-in-law having my third grandson. She is doing well at this time. Other than that… my blog is about ME and my feelings and daily experiences here in Iraq. As you have noticed, names will not be used unless I am given permission to use them or unless they pertain to people like the presidential candidates or other well known entities whose names get thrown all over anyway. I also will not presume to give my ideas of what anyone else’s opinions are. Some people don’t understand why I am so open with my life, but I am an avid writer and I am planning to write an autobiography. That will be an interesting undertaking, since I will need cooperation from everyone to make it real, or else I’ll have to use fictitious names but real characters… or I will have to write a “based on a true story” account. Which isn’t as good as an autobiography. But I might have no other choice. Like I said, and as I was reminded today, privacy is a very big issue.

So… If there is anyone out there who wants to talk to me about the political scene, please leave me a comment and an email address, unless you have mine, then you can just email me, if you leave a comment I’ll write to you and we can discuss to our hearts content. I’m very open minded and willing to listen as much as tell my side and why I’m there.

Well, thanks for finding and reading my blog.

Until next posting… Malimali (Tongan for “Smile”)

A NEW LEAF (or maybe it's New Leaves?)

2008-04-07T15:13:00.000-07:00

Here it is, a week since my last entry. I’m amazed at how fast time goes by over here. I’ve been keeping in touch with my son and his wife on a pretty regular basis, it’s sort of odd, this time around I’m talking to him and emailing with him a lot more than last time I was here. She has been working a lot so it has been harder to keep in touch with her. As of Saturday I’m on nights, which under normal circumstances would put me on the same schedule as everyone in the states, except my daughter-in-law is also on nights, so until she starts her maternity leave, we manage to keep in touch for a short time when I get off work or just before I go in. Not having chat at work puts a damper on a lot of interaction. Funny when you think about it. It used to be that you had to either call or use snail mail to keep in touch, then computers took the world by storm and email was the way to go (or cell phones), NOW email just isn’t fast enough. If you don’t have a chat program, you kind of are left out to dry. People are much more inclined to chat than to answer emails, for the most part. There are some exceptions.

I think that either I grew up while I was home or just had an epiphany, I’m not really certain what happened, but I got so involved in politics and news that I feel like I’m starving if I can’t find new information on the candidates. I’m surrounded by republicans, many of whom are extremely pro-Bush and pro McCain. No one in my family is on that side of the fence so I just never gave thought to the possibility that anyone else would be. How strange to see that there are so many anti-democrats. For one of the first times in my life I understand why you don’t talk politics with people. They take things very seriously; it’s like a religious thing. I love a good debate, and to me politics is one to have good debates about. Why do you like Bush? Why do you want to see McCain in office? Why are you against Obama and Clinton? But it’s not that simple. If you question, you seem to be attacking. So here I am after 10 months at home having deep discussions about everything with my family, and now I have to take a vow of silence. I inadvertently may have already severed friendships with people because I never gave a thought to the fact that my views might not be shared over here. I never intended to offend, but I know I did. So that narrows the field a bit. My new found passion has to be suppressed, and I find eggshells hard to walk on. Always did. I’m passionate about my support, but if someone wants to question me, I’m so ready to just debate, not heatedly, just as a friendly informative conversation. I love to find out what makes other people tick. Oh well. Nuff on that.

I just got home from the gym. It was my very first time over here… well possibly my second, the first bring about 3 years ago. I didn’t feel out of place, but I was a bit lost. All I did tonight was the bike for 15 minutes, and then I left. But it was a start. I went. And I’ll go again. Maybe next time I’ll ride longer or try some other machine. But I feel it was a break through.

When I got off work this morning I walked to the mail room and picked up a bunch of books that I had ordered, then I walked over to 98C, then I walked to the laundry, then to my trailer. I chatted with my daughter-in-law for a while and then went to sleep. I was proud of myself for all the walking I did. I think I must have put in a good three miles. And I still got up to go to the gym. I’m determined to make these new knees strong and regain my balance and overall health. I know I have a long road ahead, but I’m not planning any detours. Full speed ahead!

The lady I work with traded lists of movies with me. We marked what ones we wanted to borrow. She brought me the ones I asked for, but I need to get on the ball and get her the ones she wants. It was funny, we had a lot of the same movies on our lists, so we sort of have partially the same tastes in movies. There were some I loved that she hated and vice versa, but in general we will probably have some good stuff to watch.

Well, I believe I’ve covered most things. If not, they will end up in my next update. So for now, I’m still Crazy in Iraq. Mostly because I’m happy here. Maybe I should change my email name to Insane in Iraq. It’s probably more appropriate. Anyway. I’m out. Or as my daughter so aptly says… Peace, yo!

HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY

2008-04-01T11:10:00.000-07:00

Whoopee.

The guys were late coming in… trying to make me think they weren’t going to be here (they said) I think they were just late coming in.

Got a new roommate yesterday. Lost her today. Things change fast here. The situation she is in kind of changed and she is giving the key back to KBR. So once again I am alone. Not that it bothers me, but it was nice knowing I was going to have a good room mate, now I have to wonder again who I’m going to be with eventually.

I walked to the DFAC last night and got my dinner, it was my day off but I have promised myself I will go for a walk at least once every “day off: that I have. So far I have walked to the little PX, billeting, the TMC (which is redundant, because TMC stands for The Medical Center), Green Beans Coffee Shop, the DFAC and my next trip will be to the Turkish shop. I was told they have some awesome canes there, plus my friend (who I used to buy all my opal rings from) had gone home, but he is back again. I saw him at the TMC. I bought some rings there for my boyfriend before as well, they have a great selection. It’s also where my daughter and I bought our chess sets. So many people here remember her and ask me all the time how she is. She makes friends very quickly. It’s the smile! It’s irresistible!

Well, that’s about all I have to say about that. I’ll write again soon. Have a wonderful day.

“Back in the Saddle Again”

2008-03-30T21:12:00.001-07:00

Oops… I think my age is showing! Oh well, I’ve tried to hide it too long, it’s time to admit I’m not in my 30’s anymore. DON’T expect me to admit to anything more than that though!

So, on with the show: Here I am in Victory. My lead picked me up at BIAP when I arrived on Thursday, we got back to Victory, got me into a trailer (yep… right away!) close to the palace and just across from the DFAC. I was told to take Friday off and start work Saturday. So far no roommate.

Saturday I worked a full 12 hour day. I had asked one of my friends to sign me up for Jackal Wireless and I got an email from them saying to come pick up my SU. (Subscriber Unit)

Sunday I worked all day then a friend came to see me and welcome me back, we talked a lot and listened to music, it was so good to see him. He took my SU with him when he left and is going to mount it on a pole. He said he will put it up for me when he has time.

Tuesday March 11th was the first day I was able to actually walk the entire distance from the palace to the trailer without having to stop to rest or stretch… it wasn’t the last time, it was just the first time.

Wednesday morning I got to see another friend that I have been communicating with. We were both happy to have run into each other, I gave him a big hug and we talked for a little while. Hopefully I’ll be able to see him again soon.

Thursday March 13^th… RAIN!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Please don’t be a trend… just a few sprinkles will be OK, but not a few days. YUCK. But it wasn’t bad after all, just maybe a half day of light rain that made things wet, and a little muddy, not terrible and not slippery if you were being careful (and you can believe I was being careful!)

My lead left for his vacation to Dublin after spending the weekend getting me re-acquainted with the shop. Then I got word that we were to have NO more overtime at all… So I will go back to my trailer today after my co-worker gets here because I have to ask her to work tomorrow, then we can follow a regular schedule after that. Hopefully she will be all right with that. Well… maybe it wasn’t such a good idea. I had to call the site lead and tell him that since we are short handed here at the moment, until the guys finish school and get here, and until our shop lead gets back, we will still have a couple days of overtime. He understood after I explained to him what our schedule was like right now and agreed to approve just those few more days.

My friend came back over to hook up my internet Monday morning, but nothing we did would make it work. I’ll have to get in touch with Jackal and see what they say.

I have to go shopping at the PX to get some stuff I need that I forgot to get till now. There are certain things that you always want to have in your trailer when you don’t have access to things you normally have in your home. Since we don’t have a sink, I like to have “Wet Ones” with aloe, to help keep my face and hands clean and sometimes I’ll wipe my arms and legs to help keep them moisturized and cool. Oh yeah, since I had my knees replaced, it is sort of hard to stand in the shower to shave my legs, and the Wet Ones are great for that too. They have the aloe in them and I just wipe an area and zip a razor over it and it works like using shaving cream and water. Then a nice quick clean up with another towelette and throw away the razor. I will use the cheap razors for that. My Venus is too expensive to be using the blades just once and throwing them out. My daughter got me that razor while I was out here before. It is the best I have ever used. Now if you think that was too much information I’m sorry, but I’m living in a different world out here and if anyone is looking at following, this might be something to help out.

I did quite well working 9 days in a row. Well… until Friday, the walk home was a little painful. So Saturday I started using my cane as a little extra support and it made such a world of difference that I am still using it all the time. Sometimes I just carry it under my arm, other times I use it, but try not to lean on it much, except for balance. But then there are times, especially with steps that I really depend on it. Everyone has been wonderful. Some people ask me why I am using a cane, what happened to me? Others just open doors for me or smile big and say hello.

So now, here it is, I just started my fourth week back at work and I’m back in the groove. Mostly. It was sort of nice to come back to find that I had been talked about a lot while I was gone, but that it was all good things (they say), and I was put in charge while our lead was gone on vacation. Nothing like getting an ego boost after leaving home feeling lost and alone. I’ve seen a lot of people I know. One of the girls I am close to just got back from her vacation and she brings me lunch when we are both working, if she doesn’t one of the guys I work with will bring me food. And someone we used to work with when I first got here keeps insisting he must come pick me up after work to give me a ride to my trailer. It isn’t really far, and I can walk it, but I love the option to ride, and I have started keeping up a pretty good schedule of working out and stretching in my room to help with balance and strength.. So if you think I’m being a pansy… well... go ahead and think it. I am not worried. I will continue healing and working and handling the things I need to handle. And my home-front will continue to support me and keep me in line.

Getting back to Iraq

2008-03-24T21:07:00.000-07:00

Saying my goodbyes wasn't quite as hard as I expected it to be, mostly. Hugging and kissing the boys before they left for school was hell. I still cry just thinking about them. I'm gonna miss them so terribly much. I went to breakfast with my son and his wife, then we dropped her off so she could get some sleep, I went in to use the bathroom, and then hugged her goodbye, but made it fast so I wouldn't have time to let it sink in too much. Then at the airport I had my son drop me off at the departure doors and I hurried to get my stuff together and hug him and run before I broke down. Actually, I didn't quite make it. I was in tears as I went to the flight desk. OK, so it was harder than I expected it to be. I left half of my heart behind when I walked through those automatic doors into the airport.

The flight to Kuwait was agonizingly long. First I had to go through security and with two brand new titanium knees. I set off all the alarms. So I had to be "wanded" then patted down. Then they opened and went through everything in my backpack, they checked my shoes and laptop for explosives residue, they checked my pockets and put my cane through the x-ray machine. After they determined I was not a threat, they let me put my shoes and coat back on and I put my back pack back together and took my cane and moved on down to my gate.

I had asked for a wheelchair between flights because I had been under the impression that the airports were very big and the arrival gates were quite a distance from the departure gates. In Chicago, they called for a wheelchair at the last minute, and when I got off of the ramp, I found out the departure gate was just two gates away from where we arrived, so I figured I would walk to it. It would have been ridiculous to have to get a ride that far. As I was walking I saw someone bringing a wheelchair, I asked him if he was for Gate C2 for me, he said that he was, I told him I was sorry, but just found out that I was only walking a few steps and thanked him, he very gruffly said "I was on my way!" I replied, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was so close to the other gate." He huffed and then turned around and walked back the way he came. I didn't really think much of it, maybe he was having a bad day. Then we arrived in Washington and someone was waiting on the ramp for me with a wheelchair and told me it was a long way to the next gate. It was. She informed me that the airport used to have the moving sidewalks but they got rid of them, and there were ramps everywhere, she was huffing by the time we got to the gate. I got out of the chair and thanked her profusely telling her I would never have made the walk. She kind of hung around for a minute. I figured she was making sure I was OK. OOPS!! She started to turn away and very disgustedly said "I thought I would get a tip!" Oh!! Great!! I never thought of a tip. So THAT is why the other guy was so upset! I HATE when people act that way. I admit I never thought about tipping her because I assumed it was a service provided by the airlines, she hadn't been the most pleasant person to begin with, and even if I had a clue it was the kind of service you tipped I probably wouldn't have wanted to give her much at all. But I was guilt tripped into opening my purse, which I knew was not going to produce much of anything. I found a single dollar and about another dollar and forty cents change. I told her it was all I had. Again the huff, and retrieval. Glad I won't be needing services like that anymore. I still want to get in touch with the airlines and ask about the policy on tipping for wheelchairs. Do I sound spiteful?? I never knew that it was appropriate to leave a tip for the housekeepers at hotels until my daughter was a housekeeper for a while and told me that some people were nice and left good tips, she was never too upset about the ones who didn't because she realized most people never gave it a thought. Since then I have left tips for the housekeepers.

Well, anyway… I made my flight from Washington to Kuwait. It was a long flight and in Kuwait I had to get in line and wait for my VISA, then I had to go through customs and they made me open my suitcase because there was a glass bottle inside. It was one of my supplement bottles, I never thought about it being glass, everything is plastic these days. I thought. As I opened my suitcase I found that one of my other bottles must have broken because there were little pink "footballs" all over my clothes. I couldn't locate the offending bottle immediately, but it didn't seem to be a problem any longer, they told me "OK. You go now."

One of the guys I knew from my company was waiting for me and we made our way out to the car and got through traffic and to the Villa in decent time. He told me we just made it, in another half hour the festivities would be starting for their Independence Day celebration, oh yeah! I remember that from before! I was so excited to be sharing the experience with them since we helped them attain it. As things get wound up the traffic gets almost impassable due to some street closings and everyone coming out to participate.

I was shown to my room and had it all to myself for the night. I found the bottle that all the little pink "footballs" had come out of, it was a cap that snapped open accidentally, nothing was broken, however my mouthwash leaked, and even though I had put it into a plastic bag it got my pant legs wet on a pair of my new jeans. Good thing we have a washer and dryer here.

After settling in and sending some emails, I went to sleep. I slept like I was drugged. For two whole hours. Ever hear of blind chickens? That's what we have next door. Or maybe roosters. Whatever they are they crow at all hours of the night and day. JOY. Then when I got to sleep, I woke up about three times dreaming that I was wiping my grandson's dripping, snotty nose. Then I dreamed that the villa I'm in was a gigantic mansion that somehow I got lost in. Problem being, I was naked. I was so very lost. The mansion was so very big and winding and I couldn't find my way back to my room for love or money. No one seemed to notice me. I was in a total panic. I woke up sweating. But very happy that I knew where I was. Then when I realized I was happy to know where I was, I also realized that happened to be Kuwait, and that happened to hit me pretty hard. Here I go again. As I said in the title: Round Two!

So next morning about 10 people showed up for HR in-processing. That lasted for almost the entire day. Later I found out that I could try to sign up for an Embassy flight out, that would be Tuesday. I should be ready to go by Tuesday.

Maybe not.

Whatever the holdup is on my paperwork, I won't be leaving Tuesday. But that's OK. So far, as of tomorrow I will have been here in Kuwait a full week. I'm so excited!! I'll be able to watch the elections.

My next flight would be Thursday. That really bites! Over an entire week in Kuwait on Kuwait pay. After finding out that the last check I got from workers compensation was in error and they took it back out of my checking account, I realized that my whole entire sign on bonus will be used to pay back owed monies. I am completely broke, I have a $20 bill in my purse that no one can give me change for, no one can lend me money and I'm not eating because I can't go out anywhere without maybe getting lost, and everyone has things to do so they don't want to help me. I take that back, one of the guys staying here offered to lend me some money. I told him I'd appreciate it and if they could let me know when they are going out for food, I'll let them know what I want, then get their address so I can send the money back to them… umm… ok… it sounded good, it just didn't happen. I'm scrounging and finding cereal, milk, fruit juice, one of the guys left a rice dish, and the lady next door cooks and accepts American money, but she's been on vacation in Egypt. Well, I'm certainly not starving. I've got a "winter coat" that will last me a few more weeks before I start getting too weak to move.

After I get to Victory I'm going to go to the gym and work out, and then when I go home after a year or two, I'm going for that laser body surgery. No cutting, no needles, just laser that melts away the cellulite and contours the body, even replaces the elasticity in the skin! I can't wait! By then all my extraneous bills will be paid off, all my extraneous fat will be burned off, we will be in good shape financially, I'll be in fairly good shape physically… and no one can tell me to stop helping my kids, they're MY kids, and we are a team. Anyone who thinks they have a right to say otherwise… you know where you can shove it

Set Free

2008-03-07T12:02:00.000-08:00

February 5^th the doctors signed me off. I am free to return to work with NO restrictions and 20% disability in each knee. But I am not going back to Iraq/Kuwait until the 25^th.

I notified all the appropriate parties and it didn't take long to get from being released to being sent my itinerary for my flight back.

I boxed up two foot-lockers and two medium size U-Haul boxes and one little box and sent them to Victory care of my site lead and my immediate lead. I kept in touch with them and found out I would be rooming with one of the girls who used to work with us as a soldier, but she got out of the service and came back to work with our company as a civilian. She was like a daughter to me. We were great friends. I'm so excited that it worked out that way. She said she has been telling people her mom is coming back over.

BUT… first things first!! Before leaving for Iraq, my brother wanted me to come visit him. With so much to do, I was kind of struggling with how I was going to be able to handle that. PLUS, I had no money. So being the wonderful, kind, loving person he is, he bought my tickets for me and I went to California. He picked me up and then took me on a tour of a lifetime. It was great. I am so amazed sometimes at the things I have not seen in our country. (Which might explain why I never have been outside of North America once in my life before I signed up to go to Iraq, there are so many things to see in America, that you can take a whole lifetime to do it)

We took several hours to get back to his house, stopping in really neat places on the way. We stopped to eat at a little restaurant where we sat outside and had a great breakfast. I learned a little about my brother, too. He is very outgoing. He talks to people walking by and just starts conversations. One couple walked passed us with a little tiny pug dog. It was no bigger than a kitten. He picked it up and held it and talked to the people and let the dog lick him and, he laughed and then put the dog down and the people went on their way, talking about the weird guy they just met. (Just kidding) We finally got home and he showed me around and I got some great pictures. He has a beautiful place. I thought his wife would be home, but she was gone. Shortly after I got settled we heard her car, she had school that night… as in teaching, not as in learning, but then again, I think she’d say she has learned a lot from her students. It was great to see her. We sat and talked for a ling time, while watching the presidential campaign and election results. Life was very good.

Then it started raining. All I have to say is thank god I didn’t have to go out in it and walk to work. However, we did get a warning from highway patrol to hurry and go get anything we might need to last us for about a week or two in case of the roads being blocked due to mudslides. Hahahahaha!! I didn’t expect that one! Well, we decided we had enough to last us, so we sat home for about 3 days in the rain and didn’t go out anywhere. It was pretty cool. We got a chance to really spend time together and bond. I really couldn’t have been happier. Then the weather cleared and we were able to go out and sight see a bit. We went to a “Toy Train” museum, my brother and I spent several hours there and my sister-in-law went shopping. We met outside afterwards and we also went through the botanical gardens. It was fascinating. We went to a restaurant called Corvette’s, and they had good food and it was almost like being in the movie Pulp fiction, except you didn’t sit inside cars and there were no waiters and waitresses dressed up like celebrities, and they didn’t have a DJ or dance floor going while we were there. OK, it wasn’t anything like Pulp Fiction. It was just a 50’s set up and it was totally groovy!

We had the opportunity to go see her daughter and the new house they were building. It was so good to see her. Her kids have grown so much it was hard to imagine they had been so little last time I saw them. That same night we went to a movie, but we stopped at “Michael’s” craft shop first and we bought a bunch of silk flowers to make arrangements in containers they had, plus there was one she had seen in a magazine that she just loved and wanted one like it for her dining room, so we found what we needed for that as well. It was my last night there, so after the movie, when we got home I got busy and showed her how to make a wreath, so she worked on that while I worked on the other things, and we had a very productive night. I think she liked everything we made. I did. I know… I’m an egotistical little brat.

But as the proverbial “THEY say, all good thing must end. And the next day my brother took me back to the airport and I flew home to get ready to go to Iraq.

But I must say this. I had a wonderful time and I’m so glad I was able to get out there. Thank you both so much and I love you dearly!