They Pave Paradise and Put up a Parking Lot

“Don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t know what you got till it’s gone?”

So much introspection. So much thinking about where I was, where I am, where I want to be, and why I’m not there yet.

I had it all. A nice big beautiful rental, a great roommate, with my daughter living there as well. And we had a lot of fun together. I more or less had a boyfriend whom I loved very much. I had a job where I had a lot of friends, and I was involved in a pool league that made my weeks complete. Then I went to Iraq. I thought it would be a good move. More money, more experience. Bigger and better resume with a secret clearance. New friends. And little by little I lost it all. Or should I say I exchanged it all. I bought a house and pretty much dislodged my roommate and my daughter, I lost touch with my pool pals, I quit corresponding with my friends, my boyfriend left me (several times), and now I hate my job. Actually I used to love my job until I went home for my surgery and became the wicked Witch of the West.

Now here I am back in Iraq, wondering if I made the wrong decisions. What if you could go back in time? Like in Family Man, just for a “glimpse”. Would I like what I would have been if I hadn’t left and if we had stayed in the other house? Where would that have left my son and his wife and kids? Would I have hurt so many people I love?

But what’s done is done and now it’s time to make the best of it all. I need to cherish what I have. I’ve got the love of my son and his wife and boys. I have a beautiful house. I have a good job that will help us get out of the red and into a good situation. I have a few very good friends. I have the opportunity to get some certificates while I am overseas so that I am more valuable when I can come home. I am free to find love or let it find me. Why would I sit and waste my time on wanting what once was, when I can make a wonderful life on what now is? I can miss the things I had. But dwelling on them is not helping me to go on with my life. By going on, I can let go, and by letting go, sometimes the things you let go of come back to you. Not always, and not always the exact same things or people, and it isn’t the reason to let go. But it has happened, and if it does, at that time I can decide if I want those things back in my life or if I am better off without them. I always learn something when I write about what I’m feeling. I’ll always miss what I once had. But isn’t that true about everything in the past? I miss my life in Oregon when we lived in a little two room shack. I miss my life in Ohio when I had 9 people living with me. I miss the times when I used to drive almost an hour each way to pick up my daughters just to drive them a mile to school, or to pick them up after school so I could spend time with them. I miss the circles I would drive in front of their house before I would leave them at their Dad’s, and they would run out to the back yard so they could wave to me as I drove past on the main street. I miss the farm we lived on, with the awesome old house, the barn, the trees, the land, the privacy. I miss my job as the head designer/manager of three flower shops/garden center/landscape department. I miss the time I spent with my kids before they started school, I miss the gang I grew up with on West Blvd. All through my life there are things that will stay with me forever. But they have brought me to where I am now. So in effect, where I am is a product of all of my past experiences, so how can I really be unhappy with what I have and where I am?

Well, I don’t know if any of that made sense to you, but it sure helped me. And after all, this is my blog, I’m just allowing you to read it, letting you touch my life. So if you get anything from this, that’s great, if not, it’s OK… just read. I’ll live my life and share what I can. In the meantime, “you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone…" so, cherish it all now, while you can.

Life Goes On

Things just keep changing. People leave, new friends appear, policies get re-written, goals change, minds change...

I've met some people online over the past few weeks who were very interesting to talk to. I believe that the saying is true that every person comes into your life for a reason. I learned something from a couple of them, then we never talked again, but they were profound lessons. I have had ongoing conversations that have been very deep and stimulating. I'm looking forward to new friendships.

I have watched some good movies, seen some great music videos and have started studying for one of my certificates. All in all, life has been interesting.

I'm still carrying my cane to work with me, I haven't used it much on the way TO work, but after sitting at my desk for the majority of the 12 hour shift that I work, I tend to get a little stiff, and it helps to have the cane to walk home with. By the time I make it halfway home, I can carry it again. Pretty soon it will be stored away in a corner and I'll be free of the "cruth" I have been using. I wonder what other "crutches" I need to put in the corner.

Wonderful things are going on at home. There is a true sense of family and it's something I am truly happy about. So often I wish I could be with them, be part of a real home. I just realized I have been back here for very nearly five months already. One more month and ten days and it will have been six months since I left to come back here. Half of my contract will be up. I'm seeing more of the old crowd coming back. Some military, some civilian. All acquaintances, but good to see. I have a few friends here. But I don't want to try to guess the future of those friendships. I still keep in touch with a few people from the past years, but it is not often, and it is just to say hi and let them know they haven't been forgotten. But even some of them have dropped out of my radar. No responses. I can only say... it was great while it lasted, I hope that all is well for you and that you are safe and happy, somewhere.

But there are the ones I know I'll never lose. There is a bond. A friendship that no matter how long since the last time we talked, the feelings of the friendship we had will always be there. I know I have friends distributed all over. I know that if I contacted them and asked if I could stop by because I was near them, they would make time for me and probably give me food and a place to rest my head. It's a beautiful thing to know there are relationships that will always be that special. My time here in Iraq has been special. I don't know how much longer I'll be here, but I know it has been worth everything I have gone through to have had this opportunity.

Yes... Life goes on. And I'm going on with it. As a special person told me recently, "In the words of Doris Day 'Whatever will be will be, the future's not ours to see. Que sera, sera.'"

So roll with it. Stress gets you no where. Enjoy what you have while you have it, make the most of each day and always remember "Life is too short for drama and petty things, so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly."

Happy Fourth of July!!!

This is not the place I want to see fireworks or hear loud noises. We had a huge ceremony today of the swearing in of 1100 troops who reenlisted. Patriotism isn’t dead. I don’t really understand how.

Over here it seems there’s more patriotism
than there was back home.

Apparently the swearing in was for Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines and maybe even a few Coast Guard, but whatever it was it was huge.

Wonder how things were back home. Probably had the Thunderbirds do their thing and then Fireworks all around the city. I miss that.

I hope that one of these days I can enjoy the kind of Fourth of July we used to have when we went to the lake in Cleveland, or into the mountains in the springs. Or something like the fun we had when just us girls went to watch the meteor showers in Oregon.

I’m looking at happier times. I’m here so we can have them again. I know it will all work out in the end.

Meanwhile… HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY TO ALL OF YOU.